Life of happiness in a crazy world

This is a video I made with three other people for visual class. It was my first time operating a camera and using Final Cut Pro, so laugh all you will at my amateur effort. But honestly speaking, any comment telling me what you think will be more than welcomed.

Déjà vu.

I know I have been away long enough for the flist not to care. For that I am truly and deeply apologetic. I honestly adore you guys and wish you well. It is the least I can do.

Browsing a few past entries made me laugh. Not because I was foolish then and less foolish now, but because I am still same old, same old. What was written a year ago, ironically, can somewhat be used to describe the state of me right now. In retrospect, I haven't changed a bit, it seems: still alone in the maddening crowd, still always trying to come to terms with myself but never getting there. Now, now, somebody is getting emotional, isn't she?

I miss of_doom's regular football posts. A lot.

Bye.

inter.it is so cute. "A rumoured 30,000 plastic whistles have been distributed around the stadium as Inter fans prepare to greet a certain ex-Nerazzurri player." Hahahaha.

And it had to be that "certain ex-Nerazzurri player" who gave AC Milan the lead T_T

Nicolas is playing today and he is playing awesome. Momentary flashes of brilliance from Figo. Zlatan is highly energetic. Good to see everyone so upbeat after the Champions League incident.

UBC36 has this circle marked on the field digitally whenever somebody takes a free kick and the kicker is the centre while there is a sweeping radar combing the radius of the cirlce. I found it amusing.

So I don't think anyone on the f-list knows what I'm on about.

Tagged by of_doom (:

Ten Strange Things About Me

1. I wear ridiculously oversized school-based T-shirts to work.

2. I have a repulsion for Chinese with English names but have come to terms with it, grudgingly and because I didn't have a choice.

3. I change notebooks because I wrote something wrong on the first page.

4. I subscribe to the Spanish Word of Day.

5. I like Batik patterned clothes.

6. I once supported the Netherlands because their kits are orange in colour.

7. I hate teenage girls with blogs in hot pink and purple and posts tYpEd LiKe ThIs~*` and pictures of themselves in rebonded hair and face tilted at an angle that makes them look revolting cute.

8. Please do not put your own face as display picture on MSN.

9. I write an obscene amount of e-mail to one person with absolutely nothing to talk about in particular during work.

10. I like to use Color Burn in Photoshop.

-

OMGWTF AS I WAS TYPING NUMBER 1 SOMETHING IN THE KITCHEN BURNED. My father left a pot of tea simmering over the stove and forgot to turn the stove off. He didn't even tell me something was on the stove, wtf is he trying to murder me. Now the burn smells so bad and the pot is still crackling I feel threatened. Maybe it's good to die now since I'm so useless in life.

This sickening optimism.

Is wearing me out.

STEVIE. THE FANS. THE DEFENCE. THE ABSYMAL STRIKE FORCE. VALDES' HILARITY. I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THE LOSS. I'M DAMN PROUD. OUR SEASON IS MORE THAN ALIVE. WE JUST BEAT LAST YEAR'S CHAMPIONS. TAKE THAT, GENERAL GLOATING PUBLIC.

Other than that, time to fix our attack.

On the other hand, INTER LOST ON AWAY GOALS )))))))))): You win some, you lose some.

Four years ago, his heart was broken and he wrote one song. Tonight, you offer to listen to his song, and his story. You swear you only want to encourage a budding songwriter (but, oh, no one will believe you now) and this happened.

Maybe it was because of the singer's voice, maybe it was because of his back story, the sappy lyrics doesn't even matter. Maybe, you have stepped into that trap first so maybe it was because it's him. But reasons dissolve when the music starts to play.

Then, why do you need explanations when all you want to do for now is to drown in the chords and arppegios and slurs and harmony? Whatever you do, make sure you... Make sure you don't, you know, let his magic - or music, for this matter - fool you. But you don't even put up a fight to resist. This doesn't make sense.

Everything will be fine when the sun rises, when you keep it all in a dark corner of your room before you set off to the face the world with your facade, your secret well kept in somewhere only you know.

With not more than 300 words, share an event or incident you have encountered personally and why and/or how it has affected you or is especially meaningful to you.

Anyone can help?

Waking up feels awful. Like you have been doing five thousand push-ups the day before and you don't feel a thing but when you wake up the next day your arm muscles ache like fuck. A wild disbelief grips my heart and I was left wondering, "Did yesterday really happen? Were those really my grades? Wtf would the Comm & Info admission board think of me? What can I do to convince them to take me in?" Oh, and a severe migraine and an unnecessary lead weight in my chest make things worse.

I can't. I can't stop letting these alphabets determine my self-worth. I can't stop measuring people around me by the ranks of their schools and the brilliance of their grades. I can't stop feeling inferior as a whole like how the results classify me as the lower quartile on a cumulative distribution curve. I can't see how paper qualification will cease to imprint in my mind, and many other people's minds, the value of myself, or the lack thereof.

I cannot simplify the relationship between myself and other people into pure friendship. I keep looking through these goggles that categorise people into levels differing in intelligence. Then, what do cleverness and book-smartness mean when all I need is a touch, a kiss, a hug and a word to justify a relationship? I can laugh and run because I am so absurd.

( Old school magic - You learn to match your footfalls to his, but you stray away from the group later once more.  )

There are two types of thoughts: 1. thoughts about things beyond your control 2. thoughts about things within your control. When I reminisce about the past or imagine what the future is going to be like, these thoughts belong to Type 1. When I plan the week's schedule and how to complete unfinished tasks, these belong to Type 2. To me, Type 2 is healthier and more practical and I almost thought I could become happy-go-lucky if I keep having Type 2 thoughts, but recently Type 1 thoughts come flooding back (I used to possess all Type 1 thoughts and no Type 2 thoughts) and I blame the "A" Level results fully. I cannot stop thinking about it for one second, and even though countless "you can't change thing"s have been said to me, it does not change the way my brain is behaving. I would rather die than carry on.

Besides that, I have also come to terms with losing that infatuation I have with a certain dark-haired, carefree boy whom I revered as a Physics/Mathematics genius (well, not really really, he still has his limitations) with an unbelievable sense of wit and humour. He used to be such a woob (I believe he still is) that I was hopelessly captivated. I have lost that infatuation a long time ago, but I refuse to accept it as a fact. Today, I have to. I will be seeing him for the last time this Friday. How ironic is it that Friday is two times a day of Loss?

You know something is amiss when you are unexplainably interested in the little actions of some other boy. There is a hint of fear and excitement because 1. what will this eventually lead to and 2. will asexuality, a prevention for insanity and unreasonableness, go away? Yet I have an instinct that tells me I will come running back to the witty and funny Physics/Mathematics genius with messy black hair because he is unattainable in this life.

"I fall in love with people who don't love me, and if there is a chance that they might, I fall out of love."

( Inter 5 - 2 Catania: +3, Pipita +1 )

2.30 pm. Temasek Junior College. Casual clothes.

Normally, you will know if you have aced or flunked an examination when you leave the hall. This time, I have no idea. Simply clueless. The thing I fear most next to the destruction of my future is the probing questions from people who should put their noses in their own business, should I obtain disgusting grades. I am oscillating between "I don't give it a damn!" and "What am I going to do?" at 50 Hz per minute.

Die, Jin. Die.

Inter Serie A match dates have a permanent sticker in my daily planner from now on. Our (Can I say "our" now? Yes, I can.) 17th consecutive league victory. There is something I want to say, but I don't dare to say. I will wait for it to happen before I say.

All of the goals tonight were fantastic. Maybe I have telepathy with the team. There is only one stream for this match but it was not moving for the first ten minutes. I should have given up but I felt a strong need to witness this game. Although the quality was very bad, the entire screen was heavily pixelated and I could not even identify the ball at some times, I gritted my teeth through it. The redeeming factor was it had Spanish commentary, even though I can barely make out the players' and the clubs' names. I heard some "muy bien", a lot of "GOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!" and some numbers like "cinco", "diecisiete" etc. to my delight - I just learnt numbers in class. All English commentators should follow the love of screaming long "GOL!"s because it is muy caliente!

Walter Samuel headed in the opener from a Stankovic cross from the left just before half time, so we were 1 - 0 up before the break. Solari. Now, I thought he was special just by judging him from his looks. There is an air of magnificence whenever I see him. But today, he was truly magnificent! When he drove in that powerful left-footed shot low and straight into the Catania goal, I was thinking, "Oh my God! Yes!" before the wacky Spaniards joined in: GOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Things just get better and better from then on. What was Fabio Grosso thinking? He was on the left wing in a very tight angle before he seemingly crossed the ball into the six yard box and... It fucking went in. I don't know to laugh at the brilliance of Grosso or cry at the incompetency of the Catania goalkeeper. It was terribly awesome. ESPN VIVO replayed it 5 times if I counted correctly.

Catania got one goal. Julio Cesar was owned momentarily, I admit. But, but, but... How cute is Inter.It Live? "IBRACADABRA!!! The Swedish forward controls a Solari pass into the box, picks his spot and beats Pantanelli with a precise right-foot shot. It's a goal a minute at the Manuzzi!" Seriously, Ibracadabra?! LOL. Trust our giant striker to put that one away. Catania can stop trying, we are going to put one in every time you counter attack back.

It is true. Catania did not give up. They scored once more. BUT. Maicon, oh you terrific man, and *pats* Burdisso. Wonderful play down the right flank and Cruz could only benefit from the team work. It's Inter cinco, Catania dos. I am convinced my Spanish can improve by listening to their commentary. Slow and steady.

We lost concentration a few times in our defence and Catania exploited that, but the team work was there and the chances were there and no one wasted any opportunity. If only we can bring such high standard performance to Spain. A bad thing normally follows a good thing, that is my superstition, although I would like to be proven wrong. Let's have a 5 - 2 or 5 - 1 someday soon, alright?

Meanwhile, re: Liverpool. I am very happy to see Fowler score, but I worry about Crouchy's injury. The very sad thing is, Ah Yee said the tabloids were all talking about Stevie's alleged "dive" for the first penalty and absolutely neglected the fact that Crouchy existed in that match. Wtf, I never liked the local tabloids anyway, a bunch of smart-alecs who don't actually know what they are writing. Stevie should stop sulking already these days.

I should go dig up some pictures of the Inter game but sleep is priority now. Domir, domir!

I was trying to kill time before the Liverpool match. Found some very old pictures and decided to post them here.

( What day is it, and in what month, this clock never seemed so alive: Real olden days +3 )

GUTI IS A FUCKING LEFT-HANDER. I... I... I CANNOT PROCESS NOR HANDLE THIS. WHY.

*

I first saw him in 24 September 2006 in the Real - Betis match. He was captain that day. Real won 1 - 0. I admired him for his work rate.

Later, I read about him and the transversite.

Then, I realised he had been at Real all his life, just like Carra at Liverpool, just like Zanetti at Inter. These are the club heroes. The heroes that people don't usually celebrate, but they are heroes to me.

Champions League week is a crazy, crazy week. I was talking to my new colleagues at work today. When I came home, I realised how long I have not been speaking verbally to people since school closed.

All my "friends" live in LiveJournal. I live through their lives, most of them die-hard football fans, with the extraordinary one being Em, of course. Some of these LJ "friends" don't know I exist, but I read about their football experiences religiously, as if I could be part of it.

Initally, I didn't know exactly what being a "football fan" meant. Is it the same as the people who swoon at boyish Taiwan singers or pretty Korean boys? They are fans, aren't they? But now I realise, apart from my genuine love for the sport, it is also a lifestyle. A lifestyle of a girl with self-imposed autism (self-invented term).

I absorb all news possible regarding the players and clubs I care most about, as if I am living their lives, imagining myself in their shoes. Then I look around me, feeling scared because this place that I'm living in now grows stranger and stranger, not that it was my country to begin with.

I was removed from my own country since young and I feel nothing about this cold, hard-hearted city that only cares about $ and A+. Each day, the desire to escape, to be near football, to immerse myself in this crazy world where only loyalties and scarves and shirt colours matters, to share the woes, the rage and the joy with a random stranger who seem even more familiar than my own sister (this is not a figure of speech, this is what I truly mean, my own sister) just because we are wearing the same shirts, thinking of the same victories.

Thankfully Heaven is not completely cruel and sympathizes me a little bit sometimes. I saw a man wearing his red Liverpool shirt and I was wearing my Liverpool polo T-shirt and I wanted to grab his hand and shake it vigourously, "Congratulations to you and I!" Nah, that is crazy. But I live off this craziness anyway.

I know for some of you, this is getting old, but the question of "Why am I STILL here?" burns more painfully as the days go by. Come on, Jin, work harder, save more money, you will make it someday, someday... Jin is losing steam, losing faith. If only there was a family for me to rely on, but no, I have no family, thanks to one person who is stranger than a random stranger on the street. Then what other things still exist here that I must stay on for? Not love, not dreams, not even hope.

I am doing my best to preserve my sanity and I want to thank Em and isasolan for their input on the Champions League and Boppi for her sharing of her Ajax defeat. Thanks for giving me some breather in this mad, mad city.

Ugh. I feel supremely unwell. Failed to wake up for Liverpool today, but we won! And how interesting was it that the goals were from Bellamy and Riise? Saw Riise's goal in the highlights. A typical Riise goal. Pretty and powerful. Great, great. Replay at 1 pm. We won! I can't believe it! Can't wait for Em's stadium report and pictures. Meanwhile Inter drew Valencia, and so did the rest of the respective matches. What can I say? Inter were royally unlucky, or maybe we should brush up on our accuracy. Cuchu scored our first goal and I was extremely delighted, despite the bloody (literally) cough. Then Zlatan was very unlucky. Stankovic too. We wasted too many chances. That came back to bite us when Villa and Silva came to life in the second half. I didn't watch the second half. Too tired. Didn't go to work today. Feel like my life energy is diminished so bad that I would die. Ugh. Very, very bad. I still can't believe we won Barca :D I should have went to work and parade in my Liverpool shirt. Alas, illness. The guys in my phone operator training class adopted some football nicknames as their operator handle. Ahahah. One wanted to call himself "Rafa". "Hello, SingTel mobile. This is Rafa speaking. How may I assist you?" This post is as incoherent as my befuddled brain. Life sucks, really.

Raúl! Beckham! Raúl, like an affirmation. His goal celebration! I saw the word "GOL!" forming at his mouth. Oh. Beckham, the orchestration of the entire Real affair tonight. Still unbelievable that he will leaving. I blame Capello.

Argentine lads a little invisible on this huge stage, but I'll give them time.

Defense sucked as usual, with World Player of the Year the cause of Lucio's goal.

Augh, my fever is killing me ): I wonder if players play on with fevers. How awful would that feel? I once took my swimming exams with a high fever ('cause changing dates wasn't possible). Head groggy, almost died, drowned.

Lahm sighting makes me :D but he is the only German I would ever have a soft spot for. The rest can go to hell. The presence of Schweinsteiger and Podolski makes supporting Real so much easier.